Welcome To My World

This phrase is the slogan of a narcissist.

“Welcome to my world.”

It diminishes whatever the person receiving it just said. It turns attention back to the person who said it. It indicates a lack of empathy, and is also a request for sympathy.

“You should feel sorry for me instead.”

Sometimes it is meant to be funny, but underneath the surface it is cruel.

It is entirely possible that not everyone who says it is a narcissist, and people may not even realize it comes off as mean, but it is a red flag, and is a self-centered phrase in any given situation.

Empathy is a good alternative

Instead of saying “Welcome to my world” when someone expresses their struggles with something, you might be tempted to turn to a different phrase such as “I know how that goes” or “I’ve been through that myself.”

These really aren’t much different than “welcome to my world,” just less bratty.

How about trying not to use an “I” statement at all? Don’t turn it back to you. Try some empathy.

“That sounds really difficult.”

“Oh wow, you had a rough day. Let me make you some tea.”

“Tell me more about that.”

Often, what people need, whether they realize it consciously or not, is just to be heard. That can make the difference in turning someone’s bad day around.

In other words, you may not be a narcissist, but using narcissistic phrases can inadvertently shut down and dismiss the person who is trying to convey their plight to you. Offer some support, some kindness, some empathy.

You might be surprised at the reactions you get.

O, Death

As I recently passed the half-century mark in my life, I find myself contemplating some things now, more than I ever did before.

  • How long it takes muscle strains to heal vs how long it did 30 years ago
  • The strange new places hair grows on, and in, my body
  • The annual upkeep of my physical form and how intimately my doctor is getting to know me
  • Does my doctor go home at night and think about these things as he tries to go to sleep, or discuss them with his wife over drinks on the porch?

The strangest contemplation of them all is dying. Death. It gets closer each day, sure, but it’s more of an interesting proposition than something I find myself dreading or fearing. I don’t know for certain what it will bring, if anything. No one does. Many people think they do, but they don’t.

Not that I am eager to find out, but it’s interesting to think about all the ways we humans have created to avoid it, prevent it, reckon with it, and make ourselves think that there we are certain about what happens when it arrives.

I’m not afraid of being dead, as I’ve been dead before, and I’ll be dead again. Being dead didn’t seem so bad from what I can recall. No, what I’m afraid of is transitioning back to death in a terrible way, such as in a plane crash or slowly and painfully, from stomach cancer. That kind of fear is more a part of being alive than it is a fear of death.

– Me

I saw something online sometime back, and I saved it. Finding it again led me to write this blog post. I’d like to offer it up here, as it makes a lot of sense to me. It’s a eulogy from a physicist. This resonates because it is the most true and accurate thing we can possibly know about death, without conjecture, superstition, or guessing:

“You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every BTU of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell her that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.”

Arron Freeman

If anyone know of any physicists for hire to perform eulogies around the time I die, please hire them! They’d be well worth the money.

In the words of Kilgore Trout, ting-a-ling!

Date Night Appetite, Because Writing & Eating are Fun

Just over a year ago, Rachael and I decided that we’d like to combine our love of escaping the house sans-children with our love of writing. Being fans of fine food and environments that enable us to focus on each other during rare, precious date nights, we thought it might be fun to share our experiences in Asheville with other couples who might be looking for a great spot to escape to, if only for an hour, or if for a whole evening. Plus, it would be a team effort that would allow us to collaborate on something we both love: writing and geeking out.

Thus, Date Night Appetite was born and officially launched back in September. To date, we’ve reviewed four local spots, but we also have some Instagram and Facebook posts to help share smaller delights that we find between date nights.

Check it out, and help add your ratings to what we have posted. And let us know if you have any questions or suggestions!

Writing for Listverse is a Waste of Your Time

Listverse is often a recommended website for people who wish to make a little extra cash. They make it sound like it is fun and easy to “Write & Get Paid.”

I’m here to urge you not to waste your time. You will be better off writing for real website owners who post projects on Textbroker or any of the other writers’ platforms out there.

The Listverse deal seems rather straightforward at first: come up with a list of things that are quirky and unique, write at least 1200 words about them, cite your sources, then submit them for review. If approved, they send you $100 via Paypal. I thought this sounded like a fun way to make $100 by writing about topics I know and am interested in.

One thing you have to do before writing a list is to make sure they don’t already have a list about the topic you want to write about. Searching their site for existing lists is futile, as their Search feature doesn’t seem to work at all. See the example below, where I searched for a list about vampires that is shown on their home page, and even it doesn’t come up in a search result:

search_-_listverse

This leaves you with having to use Google to query the Listverse site in an attempt to make sure you don’t waste your time writing a list that is already there:

listverse_vampires_-_google_search

Once you think you have a good idea for a list topic, it’s a good idea to read about the Listverse guidelines on what they expect and what the rules of engagement are. Here is how they summarize it:

It works like this: You write your list (10 items per list minimum), you send it in, we reply and say “Great—we’ll publish it” and send you $100 by PayPal (don’t have an account? just make one—it’s easy and free); or we reply and say “Sorry—it isn’t the sort of thing our readers will love—give it another shot.” Just remember, your list should be at least one or two paragraphs per entry.

There is also a more detailed Author Guide that gets into writing style and some more about the rules and what they expect.

The other major caveat is not to write about something in their short list of topics that they are currently not taking submissions for, which are sports, self-help, personal stories, and gaming.

Sounds pretty easy, right?

I dove in and spent about two hours researching topics, writing up a list, proofing it, finding sources for it, then attempting to submit it. Their submission page says, “We only consider submissions with the highest standard of English and submissions should not exceed 1,500 words.”

No problem. I love writing and have what I consider a good mastery of the English language. My article was about 1000 words, so I thought it was ready to go.

First Problem

Only at this point do you learn that lists must be at least 1500 words. Wait…what? Above, on the Submission page, it says that the article “should not exceed 1500 words”. But if you click Submit List, and your article isn’t long enough, you see this:

extra_listverse_com_submit_submit_php

They don’t tell you this anywhere on the submission page until you click the Submit button. And this situation makes it seem like you are set up for failure from the start. So, in one place it says no more than 1500 words, then you are scolded about not having at least 1500 words when you try to submit. What to do?

I went back and added more meat to my list, getting it to the minimum length required, and was finally allowed to proceed. The resulting page and the resulting confirmation email I got told me that it would be up to two weeks before hearing from them. Apparently they read every entry they get, and it is time consuming. I am a patient man, so I was OK with this.

Problem Two: Rejection

I got the rejection letter this morning. I understand not getting accepted for legitimate reasons; it was more about the issues surrounding it that led me to writing this lengthy blog post.

First, the rejection letter itself was not the “highest standard of English,” which was amusing more than anything, but I thought I’d point it out. For example, it said this:

“We regret that your list is just not quite what we are looking for right now; this is usually because your subject matter is outside the scope of the direction in which we are taking Listverse.”

Taking Listverse? Ok, whatever. Moving along…

Second, they go on to list out some of the same caveats about submitting a list, but only this time is it in more detail than before you actually write your list:

We are currently not taking any lists from the following categories: self-help, opinion, product rankings or reviews, money making guides, personal experience stories, health advice, gaming, sports, music, TV, movies, and animals.

My list was not in any of those categories, but I did stop to think that many of these had not been mentioned up front, and I’d have been pissed if I had spent a lot of time on a list about animals, for example.

They went on to list some “technical” reasons for rejection:

1. The list is too short, too long, or does not have ten items
2. The list requires too much editing (poor English or lack of proofing is usually the reason)
3. The topic is already covered on Listverse or the Internet in general
4. The topic is simply not in keeping with the style of content we publish

Regarding 1, I had exactly 10 items on my list. Was I rejected because the list was over 1500 words long, even though I was unable to submit a list unless it was 1500 words long? That seems stupid.

I knew my rejection wasn’t due to numbers 2, 3, or 4, as I had researched everything, proofed it all, and come up with something rather unique to write about, and made it appealing to the type of audience they cater to.

The Final Knockdown: It’s an odds game

Being rather bewildered at the reasons for rejection not lining up with my article, and still not understanding why my submission was not taken, I carefully re-read the rejection email and I found this sentence in the middle:

We receive more than 150 submissions each day and can only choose three for publication.

Only now, after spending all this time writing a list, researching it, proofing it, and waiting on the outcome, did they choose to mention that 3 per day is the limit. The odds sure would have been helpful to know up front, way before any of this ever happened.

But then, why would anyone ever choose to write a list and submit it if they knew the odds, right?

I will not be wasting any more of my time on Listverse, and I urge you not to, either!

Note: I will publish my list here soon. Since they rejected it, I retained rights to it 🙂

Speaking at WordCamp Asheville – June 3 – 5, 2016

Tickets are on sale for WordCamp Asheville, and I hope many of you will come. This is my first opportunity to attend WordCamp, and I’ll actually be getting to speak at it. Come check it out if you are attending.

My presentation will be about WordPress security, how to make yourself less of a target, and how to harden your WordPress website against hackers using freely available tools.

Come say Hi if you attend!

Words and Sayings That Annoy Me

Hate is such a strong word, and to be honest, it’s not that this list of sayings is something that really keeps me up at night. These words and sayings just really irk me for some reason. Several of these sayings seem to have been born from the Internet era, often being found in tweets, Facebook updates, and forum postings. Others are sayings I’ve heard throughout the years. Either way, I’d love to see them put to rest!

“This band is killing it.”

Having been a member of many a band, it’s nice to know that people are into what you are doing it, but this saying turns what could have been an otherwise nice compliment about a musician’s skills, performance, and/or songwriting prowess into a fraternity brother’s simplistic assessment of the situation. If you really like the way a band is sounding and you are at their live show, cheer, clap, and buy their records and t-shirts. If you feel the need to make your friends jealous by bragging about it on Twitter, try something more erudite such as “This band puts on an amazing live show. You should be here next time.”

“Just sayin’.”

This one has annoyed me perhaps more than any other, and it’s been a trend that spans just about every online social outlet. All I really need to do here is quote a recent Bill Maher ‘New Rule’:

New Rule: If you end your tweet with the words “Just sayin’,” then you’ve just tweeted something incredibly shitty.

No one ever tweets, “Had a nice lunch with my sister. Just sayin’.” It’s always, “Mexicans are what’s wrong with this country. Just sayin’.” How about this? You drop the “just sayin’” and we’ll go ahead and assume that’s what you were just saying based on the fact that you just said it.

“Wow. Just. Wow.”

This saying is used in an attempt at expressing one’s disbelief at something they just saw or read. Often found in the comments of Facebook posts, it has become the de-facto statement when someone is thinking, “Gee, that is really awful/terrible/horrific and I feel very strongly about it, but I don’t really feel like typing any of that so I’ll just leave this cliche here as an attempt to let you know that I do care.”

“Welcome to my world.”

People say this when you’ve expressed a frustration at something they tend to deal with a lot. It is a great way of diverting the topic of conversation away from the person who just expressed an honest emotion about a situation, and toward the person who likes being the center of attention.

“Son!”

Pronounced “suuuuuun,” this is a uniquely Southern saying which has transgressed beyond gender boundaries and is commonly heard in bluegrass picking circles. It’s the southern version of “Awesome, dude.” It can also be applicated as a salutation or any attempt at affirmation. It is a simplistic way to exonerate a thoughtful expression of approval. Who has time to say, “You just did an amazing job at singing that song,” when you can just get away with, “soooooon!”

Needless to say, this term has nothing to do with actual mother/son or father/son relationships.

“Think outside the box.”

Originating from the “9 dot” puzzle, this saying has been so overused that it has become its own box.

“That’s above my pay grade.”

That’s a cop out if I ever heard one. Do it anyway.

“Cosplay.”

This is an attempt to redescribe something which is completely juvenile in nature as something that is OK for adults to do. It pretty much fails in that it still means ‘grown people trying to squeeze into superhero costumes.’ I will say that I’d be the first person in line to own an authentic stormtrooper costume, but I will also be the first person to acknowledge the childhood fantasy being played rather than trying to cloak it in some sort of sophisticated homage to a canon of literature.

“I know enough to be dangerous.”

Do you? Then by all means, put down the keyboard.

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